I’ve been listening to the song “Oceans” by Hillsong quite a bit lately.  Anytime it comes on, I turn it up and belt it from my heart.  It’s where I am.  If you haven’t listened to it, you should.  

These are some of the lyrics:

“You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand”  

As you probably know, I have recently taken a big jump and started doing photography.  I love it.  Everything about it so far, except for failing.  I am terrified of failing.  All logic tells me that I am okay if I fail.  I learn when I fail.  Actually I learn best when I fail!  But I hate it, and so I would much rather play it safe. Here I am though, waiting.  Waiting for clarity because every bit of me would love to keep this all to myself where I am safe.  But I feel as if God is calling me out upon the waters.  

While I wait, I am also putting the camera down a little more.  I just need the “silence”  So much is going on and I am finding myself busy, stressed, and forgetful.  Too forgetful.  Nevermind the missing keys, the “I burnt dinner because I forgot about it”, “which pocket did I put my debit card in”, “Oh my goodness, I was supposed to turn in Sam’s 30 day review 10 days ago!” No, all of this is trivial.  January 15th came and went without grieving.  Another year has come and I don’t have an 8.5 year old.  I don’t ever want to forget.  I don’t ever want to not stop and grieve the life I took on January 15th 2005.  I don’t mean to sound melodramatic.  I am forgiven.  I am so thankful for grace.  Jesus’ sweet grace!  I have forgiven myself and am so blessed with 3 little boys!  Come January though, I don’t want to forget.  And I don’t want to be reminded the way I was this year.  

I have been pregnant 4 times.  I have 3 kids and have had 1 abortion. If you do the math the way I am seeing it, you will realize that I have never lost a baby other than the one time I chose to.  I have friends who have lost multiple pregnancies.  One very recently.  And my heart hurts.  So much.  Anytime this happens I find myself asking “Why God, WHY THEM? Why not me?  I deserve it.”  This was my reminder this year.  A friend lost her baby.  A women whom I have looked up to since high school.  A woman who overflows with the love and joy of Christ.  While it is so humbling to see how beautiful she is even in times of loss and grieving, how much she radiates the Lord in her sufferings, it pains me to see her go through this.  It kinda feels like watching your sibling get punished for something you did.  (Not that I think she is being punished in anyway! 

I am reminded again that God uses all things for good if we allow him.  In both the trials of my friend and in my own trials and FAILURES.  EVEN my failures, He can glorify and make good.  Now I go.  I go and I wait, and I cry, and I sing these lyrics in my head until I fall asleep… “Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You’ve never failed and You won’t start now”